Look, a while ago (day 15? 1992? The twentieth century? Time no longer has any meaning for me) I mentioned Die Hard, and this made me watch Die Hard for the first time in about 15 years, and I’m going to use today’s *final* Radvent of 2019 as a spurious reason to chat shit about it. This is like those school assemblies I had where the vicar spoke about his dispute with his neighbour over the wheelie bin for 10 minutes and then segued seamlessly into the Parable of the Talents, thank you for your time.

Stereotypes Are Bullshit

First of all, what you need to understand about Die Hard is that it is about 7-10 hair care professionals who need to steal 65 million dollars from a company called the Nakatomi company, which has 3 computers and a security guard and a surprising amount of fake rocks in it’s breakout meeting space. Imagine Guns and Roses, but they need money for deep conditioning treatments and a solid trim every 6 to 12 weeks and they shoot to kill. Are you imagining it? Good, now imagine they are in a lift and wearing suits and Alan Rickman is in charge. This is so amazing you will forget that Bruce Willis turned up at the airport 20 minutes ago, smoking and carrying an actual gun at the luggage carousel and he is *not the bad guy*.

You Are At Least As Competent As This Mediocre White Man

In case you ever have a bad case of imposter syndrome, please remember that in this film

Bruce Willis is a highly trained police officer tackling a complex hostage situation, who discovers that the bad guys are called Hans and Karl and then literally has to write ‘Hans’ and ‘Karl’ on his arm in case he forgets.

Believe in yourself!

That guy Ellis in Die Hard looks like he’s having a good time, being an arsehole and taking cocaine at this terrible fake rock company. He’s got a nice aged Brie lined up! He believes in himself! Believe in yourself like Ellis, who decides to stroll in and negotiate with homicidal, Forbes magazine reading, impeccably dressed Alan Rickman. Controversial opinion here, but Team Ellis.

Disclaimer: It does not end well for Ellis.

It works better if you imagine Ellis is negotiating with every woman you have ever known and they all have semi automatic rifles.

Tbf the whole film works better like this.

I won’t go on, but Alan Rickman.

Lean In!

Holly Gennaro leaves her heavily armed husband bc she’s a feminist and it totally pays off because she’s the Vice President of the fake rock company now! The VICE president! All she has to do for that final promotion is endure some sexual harassment from Ellis and wait until her boss is literally shot dead by a pseudo terrorist! They let Holly be the Actual Lady Boss for 24 hours during a corporate crisis. This is so forward thinking! I’m excited.

Find Someone Who Looks At You Like Al Looks At John McClane.

This whole film is a love story between John McClane and an LAPD cop called Al who was out buying Twinkies for his pregnant wife until international thievery brought them together. They support each other. They have a deep connection. They know a lot about the nutritional value of Twinkies. They help each other through emotional lows. They always respond to each other’s walkie talkie call outs no matter what the FBI say. Accept nothing less

Perspective Is Key

Die Hard may be a nuanced and sharp musing on masculinity, capitalism and the American class system disguised as an action film and homage to the Western, but it also has a couple of scenes with tits in, just because.

If I made this film it would just be Al’s pregnant wife wondering where the hell her Twinkies are alllll niggghhhht. The Twinkies, Al. Fucksake.

If someone else made this film it would just be Pauline the Early Years Professional wondering why Holly Gennaro, boss and white feminist lady, doesn’t pay her more, or actually say goodbye when she hangs up the phone, or what her working hours technically are as she seems to be there all night. Intersectional, my ass, Holly.

Always Wear A Vest

Always Ride Up Front In A Limo

Always carry pens in your bag, in case you have to write ‘Now I have a machine gun, ho ho ho’ on the sweater of the dude you just killed in hand to hand combat. Maybe a fabric pen? Maybe practice writing the ‘o’s’ on sweater fabric, it’s hard.

You Are Never Too Small To Make A Difference

Doesn’t matter how big, well planned or oppressive something is, one person can disrupt it, even without their shoes on. All you need is confidence, some pens, and a bag full of detonators.

Have A Day Off Mate

Do you think John McClane emerged, blood stained and triumphant from the Nakatomi Tower and immediately wondered if he had enough aged Brie for Christmas Day? Reader, he did not. He literally has Pauline and also Holly to worry about that shit. So put your slippers on, plan an elaborate heist, demand the police deliver a helicopter to take you to an undisclosed private airport, think about Alan Rickman and enjoy your day. Merry Christmas! Over and OUT xxxxx

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