The Top Four Contenders For The Brand New You

1. The Brand New Yew
Nothing embodies dating in 2019 quite like being worshipped by Druids for your associations with death and the immortality of the soul. Attract a man who truly respects you, by being 70 ft tall and literally poisonous. Ensure nobody ever ghosts you again, by squatting ominously in British churchyards, warding off ghosts. Prospective dates should be aware that you live for 3000 years, your bushy midsection is a permanent feature, and restricting your personal growth will require an application in writing to the local authorities. It’s not me, it’s yew.

2. The Brand New Ewe
Don’t overthink things! Go for a natural feel this year. Add some moisturiser to your foundation for a fresh, dewy look. Wait until the spring to shave off your thick woollen pelt. You can climb every mountain *and* find balance in your life – with your can do attitude and specially adapted cloven hooves. 2019 is the year that veganism goes mainstream – all it takes is a little bit of planning and your four part, ruminant stomach. As you have always suspected, the amount of methane you produce is literally climate changing. Make the most of those scent glands just in front of your eyes! Happy New Year.

3. The Brand New Usual Suspects
Going for a promotion? Fend off imposter syndrome at work this year by attending interviews in character as a mysterious Turkish crime lord. Invest in some key power pieces for your wardrobe, like this season’s broad shouldered blazer, or Benicio Del Toro. If you are presenting your own ideas, remember to hold back and avoid seeming pushy. Try introducing them subliminally via a police evidence board with arrows pointing to pictures of you wielding a Kalashnikov while smoking a cigar, and a coffee mug with the word ‘likeable’ on it. Brighten up your desk with a framed police composite image of your own face. Encourage team building by giving out badges with names like ‘Steve’ and ‘Keyser Soze’ and arranging an away day on a ship manned by Argentinian drug dealers. You’ve got this!

4. The Brand New Eustace IV, Count of Boulogne

Diffuse family tension this year, by openly identifying as the eldest son of King Stephen of England and Countess Matilda I of Boulogne. Navigating relationships can be tricky, so set boundaries, mostly around land you seized from bishops who oppose your claim to the throne. If communication is difficult, end phone calls positively, but firmly, by announcing your intention to raid Normandy. Should political differences threaten to cause a permanent rift, try instituting a period known as ‘The Anarchy’ by arranging a bring and share supper three months in advance. Embrace your power! Don’t invite Henri of Anjou.